"I
am what I am, and what I am is what I have made myself". Those profound
words were typed out over four years ago by the same fingers that write
this post tonight. The phrase made a reappearance in a rather narcissistic (and poorly written) post over on the younger brother of this blog, Ramblings of a Teenager, in 2011.
The
line popped back into my head when I was watching House earlier today,
when one of the characters said that 'we are who we are'. I then set out
on a mission to find the place that I first wrote those words
to find out the context and mindset that they were developed in. Safe to say I was not
ready for what I found.
I'll
give you a little bit of background information before I get into this.
Those of you who know me well, or have read enough of my blog posts,
will know that I keep an electronic diary which gets updated every
night. Sadly I've not been doing it recently for one reason or another
but I intend on starting again soon - when the mood catches me. Anyway,
up until the start of the summer I hadn't missed a single night in four
and a half years, thus creating a log of my daily life through the most
important period of change for me to date.
The diary was started under something of a cloud, or at least what I perceived to be a cloud at the time. A juvenile break-up prompted me to start writing my thoughts down - something that has grown into a passion for writing and reflection. In hindsight, the aforementioned trigger for the diary was probably the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. Enough of that for now though. I started a diary and I wrote a lot - that's really all you need to know.
This afternoon I delved deep into the archives to find this phrase which I felt quite strongly about at the time I wrote it. The exact date, for anyone who is considering doing my biography for me at any point, is January 16th 2009. I should point out that I had only just started this diary towards the end of December 2008, so this was an entry made during the infancy of this now great set of snap-shots of my early adult life. Having spent an hour or so earlier looking through the posts that came both before and after the entry in question, I have learned two things: 1) I never proof-read my entries back then; and 2) I had far too much going on in my head for someone aged just sixteen.
Some of the entries are funny to look back on. Things that now seem so unimportant, seemed so very important to me back then. The most talked about thing throughout that year was a girl who I just couldn't seem to get out of my head - truly laughable now, but a deeply serious version of me in 2009 would say otherwise. Other 'funny moments' that I stumbled across today include petty issues with friends and peers, my failed attempt at becoming head boy and my unnerving positivity about the future.
OK,
so the last of those things does not seem quite so funny. If anything
it was refreshing to find that at some point I was full of optimism and
youthful exuberance. Since 2009 and, in particular, since I started
university I've become a more more pragmatic person - I prefer realist. I
also noticed how hard I was on myself back then about just about
everything. From lambasting myself for drinking too much coffee to
mucking up a teenage relationship, I really gave myself a hard time of
it. Thankfully that self-criticism tends to be reserved for my academic
pursuits nowadays.
I
would like to conclude on the note of academia actually. I don't need
to read through hundreds of diary entries or analyse the minute details
of what I was writing to know that one thing has remained constant for
me throughout the last four or five years: my approach to my education.
Even back in 2009 when I was getting ready for my fourth year prelims, I
was as driven as I am today when I sit my university exams. Through all
of the stuff that I have blabbed on about above about girls,
friendships and the like, my focus has never slipped away from what is
really important to me. I didn't need a shot in the arm going into my
last year as an undergraduate but today I got one anyway. It just shows
you that only good things can come from watching House.
Anyway thanks for reading this rather personal post. I'm not sure it's really the post that I meant to write this evening but it has flowed from me in what has been something of a cathartic experience - thank you for sharing it with me.
Martin.
P.S. You'll be delighted to know that I'm planning on doing some video posts soon. I'm not sure what I'll talk about but I certainly enjoyed doing last year so I hope to add them back to ROATSomething in the near future. Juggling balls at the ready...
