I used to think. To invert Rudyard Kipling's famous poem 'If': 'if you can lose your head when all about you are keeping theirs' - that's just how I feel just now as I sit down to write this post. The stress levels are beginning to bubble and it won't be too long before they erupt (otherwise known as the exam diet) and everyone is suffering from the same fate - I'm certainly no different. I just feel that people around me are keeping their cool and I'm sitting doing nothing about the fact that I think I'm behind. I feel like I've settled for the 'I'll just get by' attitude which is something that I'm not known for. I need to start using my head again because it's pretty good whence I dust but the particles of misuse from it.
I've become pretty irrational recently as well. Those of you that read the last 10 or so posts of Ramblings of a Teenager will know that I had this unnerving crush on a girl that I've never really spoken to before - that's not really like me at all. I've spent the last 2 months kicking myself for it and other things are suffering as a result. Even just last night, after a few pints, I was thinking about it - I'm just not using my head at all. I always (used to anyway) work to the mantra that you shouldn't regret things that you have no power to change. I can't turn back the situation I've manage to land myself in and so I should let it go - let her go. Time doesn't wait for anyone and the more of it I waste kicking myself for inane things like that, the less time I have to get on with my life.
You must be thinking at this point that this is the same old spiel under the same old circumstances. Tell me what I've got to moan about. Tell me that I've messed things up by having feelings. Tell me that I'm doing it all wrong and that I should just give up. You can't tell me any of those things because they completely lack substance. They lack the sting that would cripple someone that has been so proud and driven for so long. I have nothing to moan about aside from my moaning - paradox central next stop. I watch people fall into the same traps that I see around me all of the time and I stand back and wonder how they could be so naive or stupid to let it happen. I stand on the brink of one of those traps but me being me, I'll sidestep it and keeping walking.
I have a huge couple of months ahead of me as do a lot of my good friends. Irrationalities aside, in about a week's time I'm going to be in a higher gear, in a better frame of mind and in a better mood as a result. Otherwise I'm going to be one of those aforementioned people stuck in a trap - but I'm not one of those people and I never will be. For now I'm going to stick on my favourite music and look at the challenges ahead with a fresh head and a strong heart and see where it gets me.
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Martin
