It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I still go to university. It's been almost 4 months since I set down my pen for the last time in a 2nd year exam but it feels like even longer. At the time not a single part of me was disappointed to see the summer - I'm pretty sure I clicked my heels after that exam - but never did I think it would get to the stage where university felt like a memory rather than a reality. Thankfully that reality came running back to me today as I finally sat down to clear out my notes from last year - it was nice to see it again.
Everything that I did last year was brought home from my flat in Edinburgh in the summer and left in a drawer under my bed to be dealt with at a later date - I'm sure that's a familiar experience for a lot of you. I occasionally opened the drawer, looked at it and then quickly remembered that I had something much more important to be doing. Throughout the summer I thought that this was just a symptom of my prevalent summer laziness. Today, however, made me realise that there might have been another reason for the fact that this much needed clear-out remained in an almost permanent state of 'pending' in my head.
I'm not quite sure how to describe the emotions I went through as I stripped my folders of their contents this afternoon under the watchful eye of Jim White on Sky Sports News. Relief at finally getting the job done? Surprisingly not really because I actually quite enjoy sorting and looking at old work. Excitement about next year? Most certainly because I am genuinely looking forward to the challenges of 3rd year. The best way that I can fully describe how I felt when I was doing my sorting is this: it was a completely cathartic experience, during which I felt myself being purged of emotions and thoughts that I didn't even realise were dormant inside me - a bit long winded?
Since I finished 2nd year I've not really taken any time to think about everything that I went/put myself through to get the outcome that I did. Seeing all of the notes that I took in lectures and all of the tutorial preparation that I did last year (which only accounted for about 40% of the workload that I ultimately set myself) made me realise just what I went through and just what I put myself through. There is a single sheet of paper which encapsulates everything: simply a double sided A4 sheet with check-boxes for the notes that I did to prepare for exams. I used that sheet every day for about 2 months and remember looking at it sometimes thinking 'I'm never going to get all of that done in time'. In a 'movie moment' it fell out of a pile of stuff and landed on my lap this afternoon and the surge of emotions, serving as a reminding of the hard work that last year dealt me, was immense.
I'm sure I've written about this before but when I was studying for my exams last year there were times when I thought that I wasn't doing enough work - or at least not as much as everyone else. Ultimately that is a stupid way to scale yourself because (hold on for the breaking news!) everyone is different. Looking back on it now in the form of hundreds of sheets of paper and the thousands of typed words on my computer, I can finally see that I worked pretty hard and (as surprising as this may seem) today is the first day since I got my results that I've actually felt proud of myself for what I've done over the last couple of years - it's a strange emotion to suddenly have upon you.
Yes I've spent this whole post talking about myself - let's talk about you. Do you come here often? Well probably not after reading all about how happy I am with myself just now but I do know that there are a hardie few that keep returning and I would like to thank them for that. What colour of underwear are you wearing? OK, so I don't 'date' - who really does though? Your eyes look lovely when the sun shines on them. Better? I think I'll stick to law.
To conclude I would like to finish with an observation of myself - not that this post hasn't been riddled with them already! There are times when I get really down on myself; my friends know this and my family (more than anyone else) know this. I always wonder how I ever get things done because I spend most of my time worrying, or at least I did until recently. However, above all of that is something that I cling onto; something that I'm not sure when it will come but always have a hope that it will come when I most need it. That thing is the fact that I always seem to surprise myself - never anyone else, just myself.
Thanks for reading.
Martin
