The last week and a half of my life have been nothing short of peculiar. I discovered something that is potentially life-changing, felt empowered by it for a few days and then struggled to sustain it thereafter. Thankfully I think I'm on the way back up again because those of you who have talked to me recently or read my last couple of blogs will know that something has changed in me slightly. I'm certainly not enlightened nor have I have reached a different level of understanding - I'm just happier than I was this time two weeks ago.
It seems apt that this slow change that I feel inside me is happening around my 21st birthday. I'm still yet to understand why 21 is given such a high standing but for the next few days I'm going to ride it for all it's worth. My week has already been tarnished by the extreme weather, with the two football games that I was going to go to being cancelled as a result of the spring snow. I'm not going to let that bring me down though as I've got something exciting lined up for each of the next 4 days.
Now normally I would have added an extra sentence onto the previous paragraph which would go along the lines of '...but I've got work on Sunday and no doubt that will come around quicker than usual'. I don't doubt that it will but as a consequence of being in the process of taming my thinking, I'm able to not see it as a bad thing but instead as an inevitability that is another 4 days away. In each of those 4 days I'm sure there are going to be many moments that I don't want to be ruined by negative thoughts about the reality of work, or the fact that I've got exams coming up, or the fact that the football was cancelled etc. I find myself being able to live in the moment with a lot more ease than before. However there is a cautionary tale to be told here.
So I read this book 'Clarity' by Jamie Smart and really took something from it - I've told this to you guys enough times now. I tweeted the link to the blog post that I wrote about it to the author of the book who retweeted it and I've received some good feedback from this. However there are a couple of things that I failed to tell you about this; things that are inherent in this situation I now find myself in.
The first came when I was half-way through reading the book. The first couple of sections really stripped me back and I felt exposed. If I was reading someone else say something like this prior to reading the book, I would have told them to get a grip. Being on the other side of the fence now, I can say with confidence that you have to be prepared to see things differently if you want to make a change to yourself - this includes the 'stripping back' stage.
The second thing is the sustainability issue that I mentioned at the start of the post. It's all well and good me having discovered this new way of thinking but there's another side to that coin: the 'old' way of thinking. Jamie Smart mentions at various points in the book that we will occasionally succumb to the 'outside-in misunderstanding of life' because it's in our nature to do so. I have to remember that the people around me haven't read the book and are the same as the were before I read it. In that environment it's very difficult to sustain a clear head that doesn't worry, that doesn't lack confidence, that doesn't freeze etc. I didn't magically change overnight and I'll never be perfect.
The way that this sustainability point is dealt with in the book is to say that the reader now has the ability to realise what their feeling is what they are thinking in that moment and, with that, the option of changing that when they need to. Sustainability in this case is not constant; it's being able to use what you've learned when and where you need it.
In summary, my head over the last week and a half has been as much cluttered as it has been clear. Thankfully this is a step up from the purely cluttered head that I had before I read this book.
I've got one piece of advice for anyone wanting to 'make a change' - you should take this on board because I'm 21 tomorrow and being that age is apparently very important. Be prepared to make the change that you want to make instead of just reading a book and waiting. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I read Clarity but I'm pleased that I realised the impact that it was going to have on me before I got too far into it. If anything it's harmless fun trying out new things. You'll be glad to know that I'm the same as I ever was, just with a bit added on - a Martin+ if you will.
Thanks for reading tonight and I promise to move on from all of this soon. All that's left for me to do is say good-bye to being 20 - it was without doubt the best year of my life.
Martin.
