It's been a tough couple of months for one reason or another. Well actually it was really only one reason: exams. On Friday I sat the last of three massive exams - probably the most important I've ever done - and one emotion really marked the occasion a lot more than I thought it would: a real sense of emptiness. When I look back on the last few weeks in particular I start to question whether I've ever really wanted my exams to be over just because they were a nuisance or they were getting in the way of watching crap on the TV. When it comes down to it, the thing that I wanted the most was for them to be done well, rather than just done. Maybe that explains my feeling of emptiness.
The feeling hit me twice last week. The first was on Thursday evening when I walked out of the library for the last time in third year and got on the train. It really hit me that I was on the brink of another year at university being done and that all the hard work was behind me. It was an odd feeling that brought a sense of peace to me as I looked pensively out of the train window on the way home. It might also have been that I chose a particularly emotive song to listen to on the way home but for the first time this year I had a genuinely emotional response to these exams.
I had to question why this was. Was I going to miss studying? Was I going to miss being under the pressure of exams? Was I worried about what the summer holds? Well not really because if anything my feeling of emptiness in that moment directly correlated with what I can only describe as a sense of contentment, or at least a sense of achievement, having finished the revision process. I hadn't realised that a feeling of 'emptiness' (which is sounding less and less apt the more I type it) could evoke such a nice feeling.
I once heard that to feel completely free, one must first truly restrict themselves. For the most part the last two months has been all about self-imposed restrictions and internalised 'scoldings' when I wasn't working as hard as I could be - or at all sometimes. Maybe for the first time, sitting on that train, I felt a sense of freedom. This all in spite of the fact that my last exam was yet to be done.
It was that very exam that produced a repeat of the same feeling although it wasn't really the same kind of emptiness. If anything when I finished my exam on Friday afternoon I felt deflated, exhausted and to some extent disappointed about the whole thing. This time the feeling of emptiness was borne out of the fact that it was all over and I didn't feel like I did was well as I could have over the three weeks. So it was a feeling of genuine emptiness, as opposed to the feeling of positivity that I had enjoyed the previous night on the train home. The most important exams I've done to date and they were over without so much as a 'I think I've done not too badly there'.
I pondered this conundrum as I lifted my umpteenth pint of beer last night and I could only come up with one conclusion: I thought I would be happier when my exams were over because I had worked so hard. The reality was I felt borderline miserable about the whole experience when I thought about it. That might just have been the beer talking but that feeling of emptiness has been prevalent this weekend - when I was at work, when I was watching the football, when I was out last night, when I was lazing around today.
My Dad jokingly asked earlier on if I had something I should be doing (a classic post-exam funny) and it really hit me that I don't. Aside from working full time next week, I've really got nothing to work towards now which is chalk and cheese with my situation just a few days ago. A lot of you will be thinking that I'm complaining about nothing because I've finished my exams, I'm earning good money and I can drink beer again guilt free, ergo I must be happy. Happiness (or subjective well-being) does not, however, come from the things that we think it does. I guess I'm going to have to look for it somewhere else.
I'm going to end this rather disheartening post on a positive note that derives from the last sentence from the above paragraph. The reason why I've not got any idea of what I want to spend my free time doing it because I've not let myself think about it - going back to the 'fully restricting oneself' thing from above. But a few months ago I came across neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) which I've written briefly about in the past. It really caught my attention around about Easter time and so I'm going to effectively take up a period of casual study into NLP and some areas that surround it, such as cognitive behavioral therapy. It's a bit left field and it's hardly everyone's idea of taking time off, but I've found that I'm happiest when I'm working on something rather than doing nothing - the latter can make you feel quite empty you know.
Thanks for reading and I hope that everyone is enjoying their post-exam freedom in whatever way they see fit.
Martin.
